Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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