Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you never un-have a 4some
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
