Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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