and you said cock pushups were impossible
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize