A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My vagina is very pro this idea
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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