The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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