I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I want a musical about memes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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