I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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