Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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