lets start a swedish sibling band together
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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