I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
