i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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