Pants 0. Shit 1.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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