I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
from now on my penis is your penis
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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