Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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