I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
