I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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