Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
