I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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