I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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