i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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