i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
