Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
