we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize