At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
