can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
