I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
