all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
