I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We are two peas in an std pod
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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