I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
