I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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