I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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