I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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