I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
