Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
