What tipped you off? The sombrero?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
