You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
