My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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