Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
