My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
