She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
