my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
