New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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