Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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