how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
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I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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