All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
