i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
