FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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