Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
