we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
