in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
