I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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