Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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