I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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