I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
