He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
