There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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