Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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