forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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