Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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