i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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