So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
