Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
