Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Randomize
