i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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